Everyone is Ignoring me.....

I've been feeling kinda lost for the past 4 days.. I am feeling that I've been hated by many. Reason? People that were close to me before are ignoring me.

Mr P began ignoring me, for reason I know and its super childish in my opinion.

Bestie Joan is ignoring me cause I did not visit her in the hospital?

Adriel is ignoring me too? For what reason? Tell me? I don't know!

Maybe I've not done my part as a friend. Maybe I am a super lousy person. I forget how to love and show care and concern for people around me. I sucks... big time!

Not that I can't be bother now that these people are ignoring me, but I get totally drained after work and I realise I don't even have time for myself not to think sparing a thought for others. Yes.. no excuse! Guess I've lost drive in life.

I wonder why I don't seem to have anything joyous to share... hmmm.. my life is so boring and miserable! ha!

Wanna share a song I'm so into lately.... such sweet songs but yet its not my song. But that's okay..... I'll be strong. :)



P.S. I miss you~

My Daily Love Horoscope By Facebook

Was clicking around applications on Facebook and found this application on Horoscope. I've been reading it almost daily and found that most of it that tells about my love life is quite true. This is what I read yesterday:

Your Love Horoscope
You may be going through a period, Pisces, where you wonder if you will ever really find The One, and this is causing some intense reflection for you. This is a good thing as it seems that some honest conversation with yourself is exactly what you need right now. You have tried many different means of meeting your emotional and romantic needs, but nothing of late really seems to fit that well for you, does it? It could be that you are not paying enough attention to the messages the universe has been sending you. Once again you have been avoiding a serious romantic possibility, and allowed your head to dominate your heart in this case. This is a time where it is time to throw logic out the window and just go where your heart leads, it is not too late, despite any signs that you may feel otherwise.

That is perfectly what I am going through. Mr P told me once that "I am too logical" because of the questions I asked. No matter how hard i try, I told myself not to allow my heart to take over my head and yet again when it comes to the matter of the heart. One should never allow the head to take over. But then again? Whatever? I don't know and don't quite wish to think what I should do next. If I cannot allow my heart to take over... it simply means my love for that someone is just not strong enough? Hence, why even bother?

Today, I went through some misunderstanding with my bestie. I know I've been insensitive to have not visited you in the hospital but I was truely busy with my work. If you are still in the hospital now, I would run to the hospital now. But you are not answering my call? I feel really drained. On one hand, my emotional roller-coaster did not help very much. On the other hand, I have a very tough job to manage. I guess I eat more than I could chew, I'm truely totally drained and washed out.

I read again on the horoscope today, and this is what it says:

Your Daily Horoscope
Late afternoon or early evening you may notice the positive turn of events, Pisces. There may certainly be signs of good hope as the day wears on. The main thing you need to do is stay in touch with positive people, and stay the course, even when obstacles arise: keep your eyes on the goal ahead (don't look down). You may need to give the goal you are trying to reach a little more time. Also, don't give up at this stage of the game. By surrendering events to circumstance, you may lose everything you've worked for.

I need positive energy! I yearn for them. Mr Positive Energy.. please take over me. I hate dispute, I hate trouble and I so hate having to explain.

Life as it is, is already quite tough. Sometimes in life, we need to learn to not expect anything from anyone and that is when we truly feels happy.

A friend of mine posted this on her status and I find it so true :

"Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.."

Again... this gives me alot of boost. I'm not giving up... I'm just letting go coz there are things that are not meant to be.

P.S. I love u still...

I just wanna be Happy~

Sometimes in life.. I wonder.. how do one find happiness. I chanced upon a song by Leona Lewis and really love every single word in those lyrics. Its beautiful. I mean.. really... how to be happy? Sometimes self defence and building up walls so that you don't get hurt and thinking that would make one happy. But still.. it doesnt. Taking chances and feel the pain, and does that makes you happy?

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose. You can’t have everything
Don’t you take chances, You might feel the pain
Don’t you love in vain ’cause love won’t set you free
I can’t stand by the side, And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy, But safe as could be..
So what if it hurts me? So what it I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground. I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound, Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I just trying to be happy. I just wanna be happy, yeah.
Holding on tightly. Just can’t let it go.
Just trying to play my role Slowly disappear.
But all these days, They feel like they’re
Just different faces. Different place
Get me out of here.
pass me by.. Pass me by
So what if it hurts me? So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I’m just trying to be happy. Oh, happy
Oh So when it turns that I can see???This rope??Victim??Don’t say anything
So what if it hurts me? So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I just wanna be happy.. Happy
I just wanna be.. Oh I just wanna be.. Happy.

P.S. Somethings are meant to let go. And you clearly know its time. So just freaking LET GO!

Crazy Weekend

Accepted another date with Mr P on Saturday... hmm.. I hope I'm not getting hook with this "OK Lets do it" kinda date. Or is it that I have no one else dating me?? Damn?

Well before the date, Mr P had written me a note on the bucket list of stuff he like to do before he dies. He wrote also on the note that he'd like that I do No. 1 with him. Here is No. 1 on the list:

No. 1: Leave yourself a letter in a library book. Look for it twenty years later.
Pick an obscure biography in a college library, since no one there wants to insult obscurity by decataloging a book, and the library will most likely always be there. One page. Be discreet. Type it on erasable bond, tuck it in the back, and hope that no one ever notices. As for content, skip the hopes and dreams. Mention the weather, tell yourself what you ate that morning, make a list of your friends, note how much you weigh and whether you feel fat, remind yourself of a secret you want to keep.

Upon reading the list.. there is actually some really crazy and funny ones.. but no. 1 seems like a fun idea and easy to achieve! I'd thought I did not mind trying it.

So we did it yesterday! Went to the library.. choose our personal book which we decide to stuff our note in it and sat down writing our note. I'd wanted to go to the central lending sections and this clearly tells Mr P, I am not a library person... he then led me to the reference sections where books are not for lending. hahas.. so embarassed!

We promised to come back in 5 years time (20yrs is just too long!) to check if we fulfilled what we wrote on that note. I'm not going to share what I wrote on that note but really I enjoyed doing it so much. I didn't think I would be that crazy to do something so unbelievable. No one would do that? But we did! It was total fun and crazy idea.

While walking back to catch the movie @ PS, we walked passed SMU with those shallow pool around the building. Mr P dares me to walk into those pool! Crazily... I did!! its funny coz he dares me but he chicken out! I've no problem at that but he felt totally bad about it coz I get my feet really dirty!

Hmmm.. ask me if I'm ready to accept Mr P... No I am not. I'd choose to still stay single for the time being. Life is good being alone! hehe..

P.S. Occassionally, you come to my mind. But I know this is probably best for us both. <3

Should I feel Lost or Should I move on?

My heart sank deep into the deepest ocean.. so heavy. It feels like a deep cut and the next I know, I feel my heart bleeding and dropping and finally I choked in disbelief.. bringing my heart back to where it belongs.

I've woke up... I should. I love myself too much, I will not dwell in sorrow for someone that have already moved on.

P.S. Go Fuck Yourself!!

Celibacy??? or NIKE??

I've did super a whole lot this weekend. Well, to me at least. May not be a lot to others. Not Happening Happening.. but it was cool fun and relaxing.


I decided to agree to a date that Mr P has been longing for.. he told me its been 20 days he hasn't seen me (to think he even counted the days!) and he really needed to see me to pass me the prezzie he got for me for Christmas from New Zealand. So.. I gave in to my weakness - Mr Lonely and accepted his invitation for dinner and movie.


It amaze me sometimes how some "young" guys just blurt out whatever is on their mind. There was like a few times I was startled by what he said and I was like "huh???"


OK Now, I should relate how the conversation went.. During dinner... exchanging some small talks and finally I started....


Me: Hey.. you read about the big "hooha" of the Siloso Beach Molest case?


Mr P.: Oh yea... Its a total joke!


Me: Yes! Hilarious!! To think that Sexy "Babe" is actually a transvestite!


Mr P: Yea.. but really.. she has got boobs! Nice ones too! So its hard to believe.


Me: Oh come on... plastic surgeon makes wonder. I can tell you I did one to myself to??


Mr P: Oh then.. yours didn't seem to be very successful! Haha


Me: ....... (Unbelievable)


Mr P having Sensed his unbelievably direct remarks.. apologise repeatly. I laughed it off! BIG LAUGHS*


My Hearts Says: I know I'm flat chested! grrr.. do you really have to emphasize! Ok and that "Ah Kua" is not that big loh!



OK.. Next.. our conversation went like this:


Me: Hey.. you not eating! (That's cause he cannot stop looking at me and chatted non-stop)


Mr P: 我看见你就饱了。。


Me: @.@ do you know there is a bad meaning to this?


Mr P: Yes I know! *Smiles*


Me: ......


Mr P: hahaha.. you know I am joking! I really mean I don't feel like eating just seeing you is good enough.


My Hearts tells me: What the Fuck?


Next... he nicely pull out the gift he has for me from Auckland, New Zealand. Its beautifully wrapped with a kinda traditional wrapper and its clearly not one you can purchase them in Singapore. I unwrapped the present with care since I really wanna keep the wrapper (super rare)! While I tried unwrapping... he kept asking me to guess what's in it.


Me: Ornaments?


Mr P: Nope..


Me: Photo Frame? (still unwrapping)


Mr P: Nope.. that is super lame. I will not give a photo frame for a present.


Me: hmmm... lamp?


Mr P: Nope.. Why Lamp?


Me: errr... just wild guess. :) (Still gently trying to keep the wrapper in place.. but tore some bit)


And tata.. I finally unwrapped them. On the Box it says.. "May you always hold on to your dreams" I LOVE THIS PHRASE!! Because I truly have many dreams and I'd like to hold on to every single one of them!


I opened the box and it is an angel with no facial expression. I wondered why? Why no facial expression?? Shouldn't an angel looks sweet, serene and helpful? No facial expression does not gives me a feel of this specific angel. I demanded.. "Why no facial expression? No Eyes, no mouth, no nose.. nothing!" Feeling abit sad.. I demanded that I would draw them for her! It has to be angelical and sweet. Always smiling at me!.


Mr P explained that the crafter of this Angel does not want a facial expression to the angel. She wants it simple and serene and that the owner of this angel will decide what the facial expression of the angel may be. I smile in contentment as that does makes alot of sense. This angel would smile when I smile.. would cry when I cry. Isnt that lovely?


Here are some pictures of my Angel... I just decide I should give it a name? Hmmm... what should it be... Angel of Mantras! (Positive & Motivating one!) *I'll explain why Mantras in a bit.





After dinner, we head on for movie... "Did you hear about the Morgans?" I would rate it 2/5, funny on some parts and entertaining too. Hugh Grant did not fail to charm me like he did when he was much younger! Sarah Jessica Parker still shines like she did in "Sex and the City"


After Movie, we head on to meet with Chin & Sam at Ice Cold Beer. Chicken Wings is Great... so is the Pizza.


I was going to come back to where I talked about my resolution about "Celibacy". Sam and me was chatting in private without the guys of course. She asked if I was going to give Mr P a chance. I was definite and said "No". She then reminded me.. "Oh yea.. your new year resolution was to celibate for the year!" I was like.." Damn.. I just realise its only 09 Jan!! How will I manage a year without sex? No Boyfriend?" Sam gives me a cheeky smile.. and said.. you don't really need to keep to your resolution! awwww.... No i will keep to my resolution! hmph!


It was neat fun.. Mr P wrote me a sweet note on a small card before we left for the night. He is too romantic and sweet to my liking! Guess I'm over that puppy love kinda relationship. I need a "bigger" man. One that would tame me and protect me from all evils!


That is that for Saturday night! Reached home at 4am and was missing that "special" someone super badly. 4am my time is like his 9pm. I wonder what he was doing.. I miss those days we chat on the phone at wee hours... sending lovey dovey message at wee hours. All because you are so far away.


P.S. I Miss you badly :(

Rise and Shine

Good Morning~

I wake up this morning feeling really good. Its been a good long time since I felt this way. Since December 08th.. 2 more days to exactly 1 month we broked up. Unfortunately.... nothing change. Not my FEELING for you. Not my HOPE of wanting you back. Not my DESIRE to have the nice warm hug once again. The memory of us still vividly flashes in my mind every day. Am I clinging on too much but you are already letting go? Am I living in my dream and refuse to let go? I probably am but what the hell? There is nothing left for me to hope or cling to? Do I still shed another tear for ya? Yes ... once in every few days. But I shed for good times and not that we splitted. What left for me now is the memory we share and the memory will last a lifetime.

I've been thinking alot about meditation lately. Does meditation really helps with the human soul? Read alittle bit about it and maybe it really does helps for me. I do need a clearer mind to move on. I read about meditation just by sitting and smile. That seems like easy task? no? So yea... I'm just gonna do that every morning!! So crazy!

I've been listening to this song - When you said nothing at all by Ronan Keating. Someone played this on his guitar for me and I began to love this song. check this out~ coolsome I'd said. ha~



Love it lots~~!!

Ooppzz... I'm gonna be late for work. Will be back for more stories!!

P.S. I LOVE YOU~

Ok... I AM BACK~!

I was contemplating if I should start blogging again. Yes? No? Maybe?

I sat on the thought for 3 days.. as you can see.. its already 3rd Jan 2010.

And here I am... YES I WILL START BLOGGING AGAIN!! :)

So Happy New Year Everyone! :)

If You all realize... I've deleted all my past post. Because what is past is no longer important. It shall just remains as a sweet memory or worst nightmare for me. Somethings are meant to be forgotten, while some things are just meant to stay in my heart forever. And those that stays in my heart will visit me in my dream and shall revive the love there and then.

I know deep inside me.. I'm keeping this special someone in my heart for as long as I live. I know this because I tried hating him. But I realize its close to impossible. So yea darling... you will be in my heart forever. Being in love with someone really does not mean you have to be together physically. I feel you... all the time. We are the perfect couple... just not in the perfect situation. The sweet times we have together is just good enough for me to last a lifetime.

Ok.. whats my new year resolutions.. I have tonnes!! Damn.. this only show how lousy a person I have been?

OK the List goes like this:

1) I know what I want in a guy now. I will NOT go for one that I have doubts. I will not give in to my stupid weakness - Loneliness.. NEVER! (So I have to "man man tan".. means wait a lifetime! =.=)

2) To Complete my Italian Language Course and be able to speak fluently before Dec 2010. I wanna be able to say Merry Christmas in Italian!!

3) I will moisturise my skin (Body) every night!

4) I will not miss my Pilates Class!

5) I will not go home early from work... hehe oopzz

6) I must send my car for washing at least once every week!

7) I will not cry for another man... ever since the last tear I dropped for you.

8) I will travel on leisure at least twice each year. Long or Short Trip! Provided I got money lah~

9) I will sleep before 11pm :)

10) I will blog again :)

11) I will write my silly poetry again. :)

Wow.. I've 10 resolutions!! Freaking alot lahs. wtf? I will try to fulfilled them all I promise.

P.S. I MISS YOU